Thanks Google for Helping Me Find Joel

Skipping service and hanging out with my new apostate buddy.

Leaving a cult is easier with a friend.

One night while I was secretly investigating Jehovah’s Witnesses on the web, I decided to read about what former Jehovah’s Witnesses had to say.

I already trudged through exhausting amounts of reading and research from Watchtower publications. But to make a well-informed decision to leave my religion, I needed to hear what both sides had to say. I realized this would be directly seeking out “apostates,” but I reasoned that all I would do is just see what they had to say and then make up my own mind.

Much of what I found, seemed drenched with anger and sarcasm and that’s not what I was looking for. Then I came across Joel’s blog. The fact that it was made by and for people from my hometown piqued my curiosity and made it easier for me to connect with (plus “Gunz” sounded familiar).

So with an open mind, I read every word of his blog. Then I read it again. Although I was very interested in the content of the blog, what struck me most what Joel’s obnoxious optimism. At that time, I was very depressed. Stuck in a monotonous life of self-denial and servitude. I knew I needed out, but I was raised and brainwashed to believe that this meant I was rebelling against the almighty and would die in Armageddon (which will be any day now).

The next night, I read through his blog again and realized that if I’m going to do this, I’m going to need to talk to someone about it. So far, during these last many months of realizing I’m in cult and need to leave, I had not spoken a word of it to anyone, for fear of being shunned before I’m ready. So I decided to talk to this guy. I wanted to know how he survived. Plus, I needed someone to tell me I can survive it too. He has an open invitation to any who would like to talk with him, so I clicked the link and sent a complete stranger this message:

Hi Joel,

I came across your ex-jw blog and I’m hoping that I can ask you a question about leaving ‘the truth.’ I realize this is rather personal, so I completely understand if you do not reply.

First, just a little about me. I was baptized 11 years ago and I am a regular pioneer. Never in my life have I dedicated myself to Jehovah as much as I am now, and never have I felt this unhappy. So I know something is definitely wrong in my life. In the past I would have choose death over leaving the congregation, but I’m reconsidering, seeing as how I’m gonna die eventually (there’s no way I can make it into the ‘new world’). I don’t feel I’m becoming an ‘unbeliever’ or losing faith in Jehovah, I just feel that I can’t live up to being a witness and that they will be better off without me.

So after reading your blog, I decided to email you even at the risk of the insane amount of trouble I’ll get in if anyone finds out. My question is this: were you scared to be disfellowshipped? If so how did you deal with that?

The thought of being alone in this world, is frightening to me. I don’t know if I can emotionally or financially take care of myself. I’ve never been on my own, and I might be too weak, nieve, or a coward to make it in the world. Plus, I don’t like confrontation or talking to elders about my problems and I really really really don’t want to hurt my family and friends by leaving, so I haven’t decided either way yet.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this random email from a total stranger :-) I look forward to hearing back from you.

Sincerely,

Christy

Sending this email changed my life. What the JW’s would view as an act of compromise or apostasy, was in reality my first real step to taking control of my life.

Hi Christy,

Thanks for getting in touch. I’m so sorry for the delayed reply. My Ex-JW blog is connected to an email account I rarely use. (I need to update that.)

It sounds like you’re at a crossroads in life. Disfellowshipping was probably the most terrifying experience of my life. I felt like I was dying — losing all of my friends, family and even business contacts. But the funny thing is, afterward, I immediately felt a lift, like a 200-pound blanket was being lifted off of me and I could be free for the first time in my life. It still wasn’t easy, but I found that it was something I could live with and adjust to. I definitely took advantage of that freedom and sowed a few wild oats, but I think that’s normal. And I’m a good guy, so eventually, I balanced out. I got therapy too. :)

I’m curious to hear more of your story. Where are you from? What’s going on that makes you think you won’t make it into the paradise? Is everything ok?

Best,

Joel

After quickly recovering from the initial shock of “OMG! he actually replied! That must mean he IS real,” I thought, “damn, he’s right.” I was at a crossroads. Despite digging my heels in the ground to prevent arriving there. I realized that I couldn’t sit on the fence forever.

Hi Joel,

Thanks for getting back to me. I guess I had this wrong notion that when people get disfellowshipped, they’re hardened, and don’t feel. I’ve been on the other end, having ones close to me leave and be disfellowshipped, and the pain and loss I felt was comparable to a death.

There’s not much to my story, I’m 28, single, raised as JW, parents are JWs, one disfellowshipped sister and one disassociated sister (both as teenagers). Although I’ve always been strong and active witness, I’ve had a couple of crossroad situations in my life. The first was ten years ago when I had to decide about college. I chose a 2 year school and eventually found a part time engineering job, so I could go in service during the week. The second crossroad was about a year ago, when I made a friend in the world. I walked away from him and stayed a JW. I felt I was making the right decision, and since I was now unemployed, started regular pioneering. So now I’m at my third crossroad, although it always comes down to be a JW or not.

I don’t think I’ll make it into paradise because I doubt I’ll meet the many requirements. Plus when I realized that my lifestyle — that I created by giving up things, leaving people I love, missing opportunities, constantly exhausting myself — is not making me happy or more devoted, that put a huge crack in my faith. We teach that happiness come from serving Jehovah, well I’m serving Jehovah, a lot, and I’m not happy. This got me questioning more of what I believe and if I still believe it. Yesterday I started thinking about if I still love Jehovah, but that strong intense feeling that I’ve had my entire life, is now gone. I feel nothing.

I know I still have a ton of figuring out to do, but being a JW you really can’t start going around questioning things without drawing attention. But I need to do it quickly, I don’t want to be hypocrite or mislead people. If I’m classified as ‘wicked’ or ‘repentant sinner’ or whatever, I’ll own up to it. Just don’t want to live a lie.

My bigger problem is that right now I work only two days, just barely enough to get by, even though I rent from my parents really cheaply. I’ve been (secretly) trying to find some full time work, so I can move on my own. But I’m afraid they’ll kick me out before then, when they find all this out. I really don’t want to put my parents in that situation, I’d rather leave of my own doing.

Thanks for listening,

Christy

Btw, I’m in Portland and Gunz sounds super familiar…

We exchanged more emails and then decided to meet for coffee. I was so terrified that someone would find out, I called in sick to work, so that, hopefully, no one would know that I met with an apostate.

I remember getting ready to meet Joel, I was so nervous! I couldn’t eat or sit still. I never met a man alone before, especially an ex-JW. I was also excited. But it felt great to actually do something and not just think about doing something. Although I had read every page of his blog and googled him and his girlfriend (actually, his ex-girlfriend) extensively, I was still a tad bit afraid. From all the scary things that I was told about apostates, I was afraid that he might come with fresh blood on his hands from sacrificing babies to satan (I literally checked his hands for blood). But instead, I was delighted to meet this incredibly smart, kind, and funny man that listened patiently to the woes of a sad witness girl.

He told me about his experience as a JW, and how he recovered. I told him about all the things I think are wrong with the organization and how tight of a grip my parents have on my life. We had only about an hour together to talk but agreed to meet up again.

Driving home from that meeting, the enormity of my situation hit me. It was now real. Was I ready to make this change? Do I really mean the things I’m saying? Believe the things I’m thinking? I couldn’t just up and leave my life without being sure, really really sure. So I dived into research. I read websites, blogs, and books and listened to podcasts, whatever I could get my hands on. The evidence was overwhelming. I remember while reading Crisis of Conscience, I had my reference Bible, Proclaimers book, and my great-grandmother's Aid book side-by-side checking the citations and verifying what I read. I couldn’t believe my own eyes. I sat stunned looking at these books, with a completely different view. The evidence of the lies because so overwhelming, I broke down in tears many times.

Just as Joel had said, it all started to unravel. The more I dug, the more I found out about the Witnesses. Feelings of anger, hurt, grief and frustration welled up inside me. This wasn’t hidden information, it was just not the version of the truth that I read in the Watchtower. I felt so stupid, all these years only believing what was given to me and not what was right in front of me.

But the worst realization of them all was that I was part of the lie. Here I was, the perfect little pioneer sister, with a ton of return visits, having Bible studies all the time, spreading the deception, and enforcing mind control. It made me sick to my stomach to think of all the people I convinced of JW’s doctrine. It was then that I knew it was time to head for the exit.

This article was originally published on Medium