Love Thyself

I LOVE MYSELF! I've always wanted to say that. But this guilt-free, no strings attached, I love who I am and everything that I'm not because I'm constantly becoming a better version of myself - love did not come easily. It began three years ago when I started a new life by submitting my resignation as one of Jehovah's Witnesses.

I wanted to exit the cult formally, with no ambiguity, and on my terms. So I wrote four letters. The first was for my parents, as a follow up to breaking the news in person. The second was to my friends, and I sent it out in an email before the church meeting so I knew they’d have a chance to read it before the Elders would have an opportunity to tell them not to. The third letter was my formal resignation to the Elder Body. The fourth was to the Circuit Overseer, explaining that I would not be attending Pioneer School (a one week class for full-time ministers).

Sending these letters made it official. I was finally free! Free from a controlled, boring, celibate, and ignorant way of life. Free of the lies and oppressive control of the religion. Free of the dysfunctional relationship with my parents. Free from the exhaustion that comes from being a 24/7 minion of a manipulative organization. Free from the heavy guilt and shame I felt every day for not being a better "Witness."

But I was also freed of something I didn’t expect: a lifelong identity. Being a Jehovah’s Witness wasn't just my religion, it was everything about me. It defined me in every way. My identity as a Jehovah’s Witness was who I was at the core, and nothing else.

At least that’s what I thought.

Up until that point, my life was not about being my genuine, true self. Instead, it was a lifestyle in imitation of Jesus, by emptying myself of passions, dreams, strengths, likes, dislikes, basically, everything that would not let evangelizing be the focus of my every waking moment or enable me to fit snugly into the “Christian sister” mold. Every action, focus, decision—big or small—what should I wear, who should I talk to, what do I need to do for my parents, what should I say when going door to door, should I eat that cupcake—was always weighed in the scales of “will this make more Witnessey or less Witnessey?” I felt like an empty shell of a person, who knew how to be something—a sister, a pioneer, a codependent daughter, a caregiver, a vessel for the Watchtower—but didn’t know how to be someone.

Often I felt responsible for my lack of identity. Because I was the one that decided to surrender it in order to assume one that I believed would be greater. But how could I have known that? I was only 16 when I was baptized. I was barely old enough to drive a car, let alone decide who I was going to be for the rest of my life. At that age, I didn't yet know who I really was, what I wanted out of life, or who I wanted to be. All I knew was that I wanted to keep (what was left) of my family together and not die in Armageddon, and the only way to do that was to get baptized.

To a certain extent, one’s identity is intertwined with the choices we make. Jehovah’s Witnesses teach that identity equals making choices that will identify you as a follower of Jesus or a follower of Satan, and the only way to make these choices is by having strong moral (or doctrinal) convictions. But how can you know what your convictions are if you not even convinced of who you are? Why would it matter that you have strongly detailed beliefs on stuff like what kind of dress is appropriate for a Christian on virtually every occasion if you don’t even know what your favorite color is? (No, mom, it’s not magenta, but more on that later.) Here’s how the Watchtower puts it:

Today, however, many people tend to be self-centered. The world has a me-first attitude. We need to guard against the spirit of the world because if it succeeds in molding our outlook and attitude, likely we will make our own desires of paramount importance. Then everything we do—how we spend our time, our energy, our resources—will be dominated by self-centered concerns. We therefore need to put up a hard fight against this influence.

— Why Be Self-Sacrificing?, The Watchtower Sep. 15, 2000

An effective method to mold your personality and attitude (so you don’t fuck it up), is through the massive amount of literature each Witness is expected to consume. To keep up with the regiment, I frequently spent most of my evenings studying it. Even as a teenager, when most girls my age were partying, experimenting with boys, and watching the OC, I was reading this bullshit on a Saturday night:

Indeed, keeping tight control over our mouth will save us from ruin. How, though, can we learn to guard our mouth? One simple way to do this is not to talk too much.

— “The Law of the Wise One”—A Source of Life, The Watchtower Sep. 15, 2003

I was filling my head with so much doctrinal and procedural bullshit, any room left in my brain was reserved for the other useless crap they wanted us to read.

To prove this, look up “Birds” in the Watchtower Publications Index and you’ll find 326 citations (they really like nature articles that disprove evolution). Then look up “Identity,” and you’ll find only seven citations. “Character” has zero. The single citation under “Character Development” is the brief overview of how it was warned against early in the religion’s history. There are forty-seven listed under “Personality,” including bizarre subjects like blood type and geodes, and the rest are on how to effectively change yours.

Combining the paranoia that you may become like people outside the organization, with the ridiculous claim that the organization provides all the counsel you will need to be successful in life. It’s no wonder that people raised inside the cult, like me, suffer from a serious lack of identity.

My absence of self-identity often was visible when I met non-Witnesses. I struggled to talk about anything other than my religious interests. Belonging to the church (and to my parents, but that’s another story) was what I thought made me me, and that’s all. Anything else was not worthy of mentioning. I thought the only way I could (or should) describe myself was “Hi, my name is Christy and I... uhh... uhh... worship Jehovah.” Then I could tell them all about Jehovah, the Bible, the Watchtower, and the various congregational activities I was involved in without actually telling them anything about me.

When I resigned, I was at the peak of my "Theocratic" career. The result of years of compulsory service and kissing elders’ ass. I had finally added pioneer and legit Kingdom Hall construction volunteer to my theocratic resume, boosting my status in the congregation. Sealing the lid on the coffin that was my JW identity. Then it all came to an abrupt end. Suddenly, I was stripped of everything that I thought was me. Of course, this was a good thing and I knew that needed to be done. But after the dust settled and I could see what I wasn’t anymore, I was left wondering who am I?

I wasn’t sure how to begin answering that question, so I started by reading wikihow to Find-Yourself. Following that advice, I stared at myself in the mirror for extended periods (kidding!). Mostly, I just spent a lot of time alone contemplating me. Who am I? What do I believe? What don’t I believe? Do I believe in God? In the Bible? How exactly do I feel about being shunned? Am I liberal or conservative? What do I like to do for fun? What kind of clothes do I like to wear? Do I really love my dog? Do I still need to take migraine medication? Am I truly allergic to peanuts? Is a grande Pike Place with a half-inch of cold soy really what I want from Starbucks? Do I even like Starbucks?

So I took myself on dates. I wanted to get to know me, and fall in love with me. I took myself out to eat, on long walks and shopping trips asking myself “do I like this? or would I prefer that?” I tried not to rush myself, or put too much pressure on myself to align with anything that didn’t feel truly authentic. I resisted the urge to assume that I knew what I wanted or felt. To really get to know me, I needed to give myself permission to do, say, or think anything. After a lifetime of being brainwashed with extremely conservative Christian views. nothing would be off-limits. I had a really difficult time shedding my realization that to undo the washing I had to get dirty. Meaning that This meant that everything that was bad

Then I waited patiently for that quiet voice inside me to get louder and stronger, to tell me who I am, or really, who I have been all along.

But I also needed to learn how to outwardly be that person. So, I worked at taking down my guard around people and gave myself permission to do or try anything. I practiced letting people in, and pushing them out. I started saying out loud exactly what I thought, and expressing exactly how I felt at the moment. Or not, and keeping interactions more purposeful. Getting out of my comfort zone and going to new places and people (Joel helped) and trying on different behavioral “shoes,” and taking off my comfortable walking dress shoes, or sexy but still modest heels.

One day at work my coworker bought me a cactus for my desk and said it reminded her of me because my personality is like a cactus. Although I was incredibly offended by the notion that my personality was sharp and dangerous, I just said thank you and placed it on reluctantly my desk. I sat down and thought “why can’t I just say no, you’re being offensive”? Reflecting on the interactions gave me a lot of insight into who I am.

Sometimes I would surprise myself. For example, I didn’t become the self-centered, self-pleasing, alcoholic drug addict having unprotected sex with random strangers and living a meaningless debauched life that I had read about in the Watchtower. But instead, I found that the “service” I did as a witness actually came from sincere genuine motives. I still have that deep desire to do some good in the world, and I’m still figuring out how I’ll do that.

This past year has been an emotional roller coaster that included times of grief and depression. I’m expecting my journey to self-discovery will continue to be bumpy for a long time. I think the most suprising discovery is what makes me happy: just be Christy, whoever she is.

15 Things I Learned About Myself This Year

1. I'm stronger than I thought
2. I really can "lean on my own understanding"
3. I don't need anyone’s approval to feel good about myself
4. I can love someone unconditionally
5. I'm not kinder or more loving than most "worldly" people
6. I'm 100% atheist
7. I'm a liberal
8. I'm pro-abortion
9. I want to travel the world
10. Halloween is my favorite holiday
11. Christmas is my second favorite holiday
12. Sex is way more fun than I imagined
13. I actually prefer wine over beer
14. I really want to get a tattoo
15. My favorite color is blue